What is Non Violent Communication?


Non-violence is about letting the positive in us arise, allowing ourselves  to be overrun by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, kindness and caring for others, rather than by self-centred, selfish, greedy and hateful behaviour, full of prejudice, suspicion and aggressiveness that can dominate our thoughts much of the time.

We can only change the world if we change ourselves and this change begins with our language and our way of communicating : integrating non-violence into our communication. How to escape violence or, at the very least, live together with less violence? Let’s start with feeling responsible / taking responsibility for our feelings and needs. Through our relationship with others, let’s come out of the shackles of learned habits.

NVC (Non Violent Communication) leads us to a new perception of ourselves and of others, as well as of our intentions and our relationships (reactions of resistance, defence, aggressiveness, criticisms, judgments). It favours the quality of listening to our own selves and to others, it generates a mutual desire to give from the heart. When we give from the heart, we experience the joy of giving to others. This type of gift enriches both the one given to and the giver. The first appreciates it without fearing the ulterior motives that accompany gifts motivated by fear, guilt, shame or greed. The second is gratified because, by his gesture, he contributed to the well-being of the other.

NVC is not a technique, it is a new approach to our relationship with the world, a way of thinking differently from the one we learned in childhood (made of judgments, criticisms, reproaches), a permanent invitation to focus our attention where we are most likely to find what we are looking for. Now, what we seek in life is kindness, an exchange with others motivated by a reciprocal impulse from the heart, to give and receive with kindness, to taste a deep inner satisfaction.

The goal of NVC  is not to change others and their behaviour in order to get what we want, which would amount to manipulating them. NVC  looks for what is beautiful in every person we meet (the Prince or the Princess), to discover the beauty of his feelings and needs, sometimes behind his suffering or anger.

Finally, NVC makes it possible to change ourselves, and in this way  presents a process of change and transformation of our identity.

(with Excerpts from “The words are windows (or they are walls)” by Marshall.B.Rosenberg)


Article written in French by Alain Demange, Coach in professional transitions and disability, Toulouse, France-  Translation by Antonia Jenkins


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